I think in life we run into these defining moments where we have to decide are we going to be the bigger person, and adult, or are we going to revert back to our teens and lash out. Love is messy... sometimes it's easier to close the door and walk away. Personally, I like to ditch and run. I don't want to deal with the fallout. I've even developed a new Kubler Ross model of grief... it consist of 7 stages... Denial, Anger, Alcohol, Bargaining, Depression, Alcohol, Acceptance. I think she'd be proud. Anyway, life changes... the loss of a love that once was, it sucks. It's hard, and more importantly it causes us to reflect on what we are and what we have learned and become.
What have I learned? I have learned that I will never be someone's second choice, that I will never be taken for granted, or talked down to. But, I've also learned that no matter what I'll be ok. That it may take some tears, some deep thoughts, and some road trips to Mackinaw, but I will come out on top. I've also learned that when you tell me I can't do something... I'll do it... and I'll flip you the bird when I'm done. I've learned that sometimes the things we thought were so important truly aren't and that it may take some painful reorganization to realize that... but we will. I've also learned that real friendship, true kindred spirits, soulmates, whatever you want to call it is worth fighting for, even if it is with an ex...
It's interesting because while venting over my own issues this past week I had a friend say to me "I think it's time to fire up stoptherideiwantoff again." It made me chuckle, but I opened up the blog and read the most recent two post which tied in nicely to the article. I've realized that somewhere along the line I've lost sight of some of the things that I have stated were non negotiable in the past. It's easy to compromise parts of yourself to maintain the status quo. Sometimes we tell ourselves it's not that big of a deal, or we are being the bigger person... In my opinion the bigger person is being yourself, and not compromising.
Relationships come and go... and while it would be nice to have someone take over some of the day to day shit we deal with... I think I will continue to search out and hold out for the one that feels like home. For the one that while I think I have experienced it before... seems to be ever elusive. It's been said that if you have to ask where you stand in a relationship then chances are you are not a priority because if you were, you wouldn't have to ask. I think those are words to live by. Until then I will continue to be friends with my ex's because the fact of the matter is at one time we were in love, or pretty close to it. At one time I trusted that person enough to fall asleep next to them and trust they weren't going to murder me in my sleep. (I like to set my standards high). And I suppose if they don't wish to reciprocate the friendship then it's their loss because I'm a damn nice person... and a damn good friend... (not always in that order).
And thus concludes the reinstating of stoptherideiwantoff :)
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