Introspective

I'm approximately 4 years, 3 months, and 3 days removed from this post... not that anyone's keeping track. It's possibly one of the most horrific and yet hilarious days I've yet to experience on this wonderful little planet of ours. However, this evening while chatting with a friend I was reminded about all the events leading up to that one fateful day...

It's been a long time, and yet in some respects if feels like just yesterday. I'd like to think that I've accomplished a thing or two on my own since that time, I'd also like to think I learned something that I tucked away for future reference and I think we can all agree alot has certainly changed.... I mean, I finished school (yay me!) I went back to school (Not so yay me) I bought a house (Yay me) and I got a job (yay me... and yet poor me since I'm not independently wealthy) But I've made so many new friends along the way over these last few years that I can't even begin to imagine my life without these people in it. (Yay me... and them... I think lol)

My marriage was never one that fairy tales will be written about, but it IS one that I wouldn't trade for anything. It was above all a learning experience that brought about the most fantastic child I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I wish I could go back into the entire thing knowing what I know now... but then... I would never have the pleasure of raising my child and of course, that's non negotiable. I have however taken away a few nuggets of truth to live by, a few scars on my psyche to remind me of things, and maybe a better sense of what I want out of the next relationship that I decide to embark upon.

I swore the day I signed those papers that I would NEVER date again until my son was 18. Well... I found myself dating once or twice since then, though to my credit it did take 4 years which is approximately a wee bit less than a quarter of the length of time I said I'd wait. LOL But I find dating this time remarkably more complex... obviously there is my child to think about... but in addition to that I find myself picking up on little things that I'm pretty sure would have floated under the radar the last time around. I always held to the saying "Little things matter much." But I never realized how much until all "little things" were stripped away from me and I was left in this empty shell of a relationship looking around and thinking "How did I get here?"

I find many of my younger friends on the verge of getting married in the next year or two and I am so happy for them, I have no worries because they are FAR smarter than I ever was at that age. However all this wedding nonsense had me re-evaluating my thoughts from years gone by and I found myself returning to this awesome blog post... and was amazed at my insight LOL So for those of you in the back row... and those getting ready to be married let's review.. Some of these thoughts are boring, some of them are laughable... but a few of them really hit home and I'd have to say... WOW... I still hold true to those thoughts. It's amazing how philosophical we get once we're divorced. LOL. My updated 2011 thoughts will run along side of the 2007 thoughts... only in this snappy green color.


--It doesn’t matter how much he likes his mom, it matters how much he likes you.

--It doesn’t matter how he treats his mom, it matters how he treats you.

--It DOES matter what your friends and family think. While he may be nice to you, if your friends and family are seeing stuff they don’t like – but are toooo stinking stubborn to tell you what it is—well… there is probably something there and pay attention.

--If they mock you or your family and/or religion, they will never respect you. -- I find this so incredibly true... it's one thing to joke and have fun, but I've turned and walked away from more than one person in the last four years because their "jokes" were simply hidden ways to cut me down and prove that they were better than me. You think you're better than me... great... go do it somewhere else!

--Don’t get married because you have nothing better to do. -- yeah... please don't make me reiterate this one... LOL

--Don't ever marry someone because you don't think anyone else would ever want you. -- You know, I've met a lot of new people over the last four years and it never ceases to amaze me how we can so easily believe the negative and it's so inherently hard to accept the positive. I understand that when someone tells you something over and over you believe it... but please I'm begging you believe the positive!!!! If you're reading this, you're most likely one of my friends, and if you're one of my friends you are one of the most unique and worthy people of happiness I've ever met, I don't hang out with losers. Everyone deserves to be loved and loved for who they are... If you haven't found that person RELAX... it will happen...

--Don’t get married because you have nothing BETTER to choose from.

--Don’t get married because you’re supposed to, or because it’s the next on your checklist of life’s accomplishments. -- this my friends, is a recipe for disaster

--Actions speak louder than words. Saying “I love you” and actually LOVING you are two completely different things. -- Ooooooooooh how I could pontificate on this point. Lets refer back to the days of the good ole DC Talk... remember... LOVE is a verb... words without actions are just that... words... empty pathetic little letters that fall to the ground and blow away....

--When you know, you know, and it sounds soooo cliché but it is SO true. And you won’t KNOW that feeling until you experience it. And once you experience it there will be NO questions. So if you don’t have that I KNOW THIS IS IT feeling… then run like mad in the other direction. And don’t talk yourself into believing that, that feeling is an urban myth dreamt up by hopeless romantics with nothing better to do than make impossible demands on everyday life. – not that I am speaking from experience or anything—LOL -- Sometimes, you know... but the other party does not know. This is not an opportunity to convince the other party... this is an opportunity to go find a party that DOES know and is acutely aware of how empty their life would be without YOU... anything less is unacceptable

--Marry someone who you are content to literally sit on a rock with and say nothing, but just sit next to and stare off into space. -- I recently took care of a couple in their 90's celebrating their 70+ anniversary... it was amazing!!! Everytime I walked in that room they weren't talking they were just sitting... in each other's presence... holding hands. That my friends speaks volumes!!!!

--Marry someone nice. I know that sounds like a no brainer, but I'm serious. Being nice to someone takes work. However being nice to someone nice... it just kinda comes natural. And in that same vein Marriage as a whole, while it is work... I think overall being nice should be a natural response. I"m naturally nice to my son. I love him and want to see him happy. If you marry someone who is selfish, and only concerned with their OWN happiness... it makes it hard to be nice to them, and it turns everything in the marriage into a great big chore!!! -- Honestly, the more people I meet the more convinced of this I am... The nicer the person the more you want to be nice back... the more nice you are the more nice they are... it's a never ending cycle of niceness... and niceness... is... well... nice. ;)

--Marry someone that you absolutely can NOT live without. Someone that when you leave it feels like you are ripping off your arm.

--Marry someone with forethought. Someone who can look beyond the end of their nose and see things beyond their immediate needs. If they can automatically anticipate you're reactions, your actions, or what needs to be done... and they do it... that is INVALUABLE. In that same vein make sure YOU have forethought. Because in turn you will become invaluable to them.

--A good marriage is 2 people working together to accomplish things, shared goals and separate goals. It’s ok to live your life and do your own thing, and your spouse should support you in that. However you need to work together. For instance if both of you are working full time then both should work together at keeping a clean house. (if that’s a common goal)

--Little things matter much. If you’re a guy reading this, I swear to St Peter if you would just unexpectedly do the dishes, or OMGosh… leave a love note on the mirror, or in the car… that would carry you through at least 6 months. And it wouldn’t even need to be long and crazy. It could just be something like You’re still the hottest chick I’ve ever met. Or something stupid like that. So theoretically you would need to do 2 romantic gestures a year and you would get laid on a continual-any-time-you-asked-basis… minus late night feedings, flu bugs, or bouts of intestinal discomfort. – And if you’re a woman… just be nice. Seriously… inflate the ego and you could probably get that new dress you want. -- Ok... I have not had the opportunity to test this theory... however you will never be able to convince me otherwise because I AM a woman and I KNOW that a love note on the mirror or doing the dishes would certainly get you laid on a regular basis in MY book... and since this is MY blog... that's all that matters.

--Don’t marry someone you need to take care of. Marry someone you WANT to take care of. And marry someone who DOES care of YOU. A good marriage is 2 people caring for each other and anticipating the needs of the other. -- Sidebar... it's best if no one NEEDS to take care of anyone... just so we're clear. We're looking at someone bringing out an aspect of your personality making you WANT to care for them and reciprocating the fact that, that person DOES indeed care for you... neediness is a deal breaker... seriously... no one needs an adult dependant that's just draining
 
--Don’t marry someone who keeps score. Because… that is the worst. -- OMG is it ever

--When you hurt your spouse, you hurt yourself. -- Ok... this is too profound for me... I'm pretty sure I stole this from some marriage conference or something

--Sometimes…. No matter how much begging and pleading is involved… sometimes… they just don’t listen and it just won’t work. -- and you WILL be devastated... and you WILL survive!

--There are certain annoying habits that will never change. Make sure you can live with those. -- and if you can't... RUN

--Marry someone you know will put in the work that is needed in maintaining a great relationship. Not someone you think will. --Relationships are work... hard laborious work... but GREAT relationships are worth every minute of it

--Marry someone who will play with you. Because Laughing is the best part of marriage. (and I don’t mean play as in the perverted sense… although… that is a good thing too!) But someone who will be a dork, and gets your zaniness and not only laughs with you, but gets involved and does stupid things right beside you. Marry someone that will sitting in the ER with you laughing at whose bone is broke worse. Not standing over you lecturing you about how sensible people, would not be breaking bones. -- I never had the pleasure of receiving a lecture on broken bones while I was married... I DID however get daily lectures about my lack of maturity... laughing does not equal immaturity, laughing when done appropriately equals coping... and enjoying life... living life to the fullest extent, and you will NEVER convince me otherwise

--Marry someone who thinks you are the coolest thing since sliced bread. Not someone who likes to point out what you need to do to become the coolest thing since sliced bread.

--DO NOT under ANY circumstances get married until you’ve had a real knock down drag out fight. Because you never know how someone is going to react… until they react.

--If you’re thinking about taking time apart to see how you feel about the person…. Then chances are… it’s not your person. -- Oh... believe me... it's NOT your person

--Again I say…. Marry someone you can NOT live without. The thought of loosing them is like the thought of loosing your arm. Anything less… just isn’t worth it.

--Most importantly… trust your gut. Because your gut instinct is there for a reason…. And if your gut is telling you…. No. then go with it. And don’t be afraid to run as fast as you can from the alter, even if you’re walking down the isle trying not to vomit. Again… not that, that was ME… I’m just saying. :)

--Pay attention to road rage. How they drive, actually says a lot.

--Finally… if you do marry, and you can’t go any further. It’s ok. People make mistakes, people change, and no matter what anyone says, you’re entitled to a mulligan. As long as you don’t make a rash decision. Work your ass off to save it, and if you can’t… you can’t.