It's A Little Bit Funny....

This feeling inside.....

Sorry, temorary Elton moment. Good song though.

When you make the decision to go through with the Big D, you become this marital enigma. Married people look at you and wonder why, single people look at you and wonder why did you even marry to begin with. Either way, people wonder. But the most ironic part is that somehow you become this source of marital counsel. I have had more people come to me and ask me questions about how hard is it, or why, or did you do this, or did he do that, or whatever. And it's just funny, because the person LEAST quailified to tell you how to be happlily married is the freakin Divorced in 2 weeks chick.

I found myself at the gas station today dispensing -- not gasoline-- but marital advice. And I laughed-- in my head-- because the person behind the counter was sharing about how hard it was to be married, and what not. And then there was me... "How long have you been married? 22years? wow... well that's just to long to chuck it all NOW!!!!" "Oh well... I think we all have our ups and downs in marriage. That's the joy of marriage isn't it, you have an up and a down and there's good days and bad. Right. And some people like you guys, are great at it, and you work through it, others of us -- like myself-- just crap out early."

I mean... can ya see the irony there. Me waxing nostalgic about the ups and downs of marriage. Don't get me wrong, I will chat it up with anyone, and I'm not offended that they ask me questions. I guess my theory is, I have nothing to really hide or whatever, my life has always been an open book, you wanna know something ask... I may not answer but ya might as well ask. But I just find it funny that when I was married under the guise of happily married, no one gave a crap about what marriage was like, but now... I'm like this cornucopia of wisdom for people twice my age or 1/2 my age to come and sit at my feet. (ok... not literally, but I liked the mental image it conjured up)

So I will share what I have learned over the last few months, and years being married and what has went through my head, and of course I can always add to it or take away because it's my list... but if it helps someone (Because I know some of you AREN'T married that read this) then by all means, dig into the dysfunction of my life because if it's going to help YOU be happy and avoid crap... then come on in! :)

Now I know that considering my life and different things that have transpired over the last year or so, it would be VERY easy to infer things from these statements that simply aren’t true. Not all of these are things that I have PERSONALLY experienced. I am just saying… this is what I’ve learned and if you aren’t married then pay heed, if you are… well now you know what I know. –which you probably already knew— And it may seem that I'm rattling off some idealistic romantic view of marriage, and I want to be clear that I am not. Marriage is hard, it's hard work, and it's going to have it's ups and downs... this is just what I've observed and learned, and when people ask... this is what I tell.

My random thoughts over the last 8 (almost 9) years

--It doesn’t matter how much he likes his mom, it matters how much he likes you.

--It doesn’t matter how he treats his mom, it matters how he treats you.

--It DOES matter what your friends and family think. While he may be nice to you, if your friends and family are seeing stuff they don’t like – but are toooo stinking stubborn to tell you what it is—well… there is probably something there and pay attention.

--If they mock you or your family and/or religion, they will never respect you.

--Don’t get married because you have nothing better to do.

--Don't ever marry someone because you don't think anyone else would ever want you.

--Don’t get married because you have nothing BETTER to choose from.

--Don’t get married because you’re supposed to, or because it’s the next on your checklist of life’s accomplishments.

--Actions speak louder than words. Saying “I love you” and actually LOVING you are two completely different things.

--When you know, you know, and it sounds soooo cliché but it is SO true. And you won’t KNOW that feeling until you experience it. And once you experience it there will be NO questions. So if you don’t have that I KNOW THIS IS IT feeling… then run like mad in the other direction. And don’t talk yourself into believing that, that feeling is an urban myth dreamt up by hopeless romantics with nothing better to do than make impossible demands on everyday life. – not that I am speaking from experience or anything—LOL

--Marry someone who you are content to literally sit on a rock with and say nothing, but just sit next to and stare off into space.

--Marry someone nice. I know that sounds like a no brainer, but I'm serious. Being nice to someone takes work. However being nice to someone nice... it just kinda comes natural. And in that same vein Marriage as a whole, while it is work... I think overall being nice should be a natural response. I"m naturally nice to my son. I love him and want to see him happy. If you marry someone who is selfish, and only concerned with thier OWN happines... it makes it hard to be nice to them, and it turns everything in the marriage into a great big chore!!!

--Marry someone that you absolutely can NOT live without. Someone that when you leave it feels like you are ripping off your arm.

--Marry someone with forethought. Someone who can look beyond the end of thier nose and see things beyond their immediate needs. If they can automatically anticipate you're reactions, your actions, or what needs to be done... and they do it... that is INVALUABLE. In that same vein make sure YOU have forethought. Because in turn you will become invaluable to them.

--A good marriage is 2 people working together to accomplish things, shared goals and separate goals. It’s ok to live your life and do your own thing, and your spouse should support you in that. However you need to work together. For instance if both of you are working full time then both should work together at keeping a clean house. (if that’s a common goal)

--Little things matter much. If you’re a guy reading this, I swear to St Peter if you would just unexpectedly do the dishes, or OMGosh… leave a love note on the mirror, or in the car… that would carry you through at least 6 months. And it wouldn’t even need to be long and crazy. It could just be something like You’re still the hottest chick I’ve ever met. Or something stupid like that. So theoretically you would need to do 2 romantic gestures a year and you would get laid on a continual-any-time-you-asked-basis… minus late night feedings, flu bugs, or bouts of intestinal discomfort. – And if you’re a woman… just be nice. Seriously… inflate the ego and you could probably get that new dress you want.

--Don’t marry someone you need to take care of. Marry someone you WANT to take care of. And marry someone who DOES care of YOU. A good marriage is 2 people caring for each other and anticipating the needs of the other.

--Don’t marry someone who keeps score. Because… that is the worst.

--When you hurt your spouse, you hurt yourself.

--Sometimes…. No matter how much begging and pleading is involved… sometimes… they just don’t listen and it just won’t work.

--There are certain annoying habits that will never change. Make sure you can live with those.

--Marry someone you know will put in the work that is needed in maintaining a great relationship. Not someone you think will.

--Marry someone who will play with you. Because Laughing is the best part of marriage. (and I don’t mean play as in the perverted sense… although… that is a good thing too!) But someone who will be a dork, and gets your zaniness and not only laughs with you, but gets involved and does stupid things right beside you. Marry someone that will sitting in the ER with you laughing at whose bone is broke worse. Not standing over you lecturing you about how sensible people, would not be breaking bones.

--Marry someone who thinks you are the coolest thing since sliced bread. Not someone who likes to point out what you need to do to become the coolest thing since sliced bread.

--DO NOT under ANY circumstances get married until you’ve had a real knock down drag out fight. Because you never know how someone is going to react… until they react.

--If you’re thinking about taking time apart to see how you feel about the person…. Then chances are… it’s not your person.

--Again I say…. Marry someone you can NOT live without. The thought of loosing them is like the thought of loosing your arm. Anything less… just isn’t worth it.

--Most importantly… trust your gut. Because your gut instinct is there for a reason…. And if your gut is telling you…. No. then go with it. And don’t be afraid to run as fast as you can from the alter, even if you’re walking down the isle trying not to vomit. Again… not that, that was ME… I’m just saying.

--Pay attention to road rage. How they drive, actually says a lot.

--Finally… if you do marry, and you can’t go any further. It’s ok. People make mistakes, people change, and no matter what anyone says, you’re entitled to a mulligan. As long as you don’t make a rash decision. Work your ass off to save it, and if you can’t… you can’t.