Aaaaaaah The Memories

One year ago to today I was here. What a year it has been, eh? I remember standing in that parking lot having my nervous breakdown, trying so hard not to freak out, even though it was inevitable.

I think I've come a long way in a years time. For starters I'm that much further along in school. I have a more concrete plan. Sure, I had to bum money off my dad to make rent this month, but I promised him 5 bucks interest on payday next week. lol It's funny looking back over the last year at all the twist and turns my life has taken.

Getting fired from my job was the second most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. I felt so betrayed by people I felt were my friends, I felt betrayed by God in some ways, and I felt completely lost. I didn't know how I was going to get money to pay any bills, I'm stuck alone with my son and I just... I didn't know which way was up. Yet somehow it all worked out. Somehow even when I didn't have a clue how bills were going to get paid, somehow the money showed up. It could of been a gift, it could of been in the form of groceries, somewhere somehow just what I needed came through exactly when I needed it. It was kind of fun, in a sick... masochistic way. Today, ONE YEAR to the day of when I lost my job, was the first time I've officially had to ask for money. I think that's pretty cool actually.

Over the last year, while I struggle pretty much daily with all things God related, I have been encouraged by the simple fact that I don't think God hates me TOOOO much, and I don't think he's quite given up on me yet, because I truly believe he's behind all the good that has happened to me over the last year. So maybe.... maybe there is hope for me. I understand that there is a waiting list of over 100 people to get into the nursing program this semester, I also need to do my pre-req's for my RN. And yet do you realize how smoothly my schedule and entrance into school has been? I didn't have to wait. In fact, it happened so quickly it made my head spin. If I had waited another semester I would be left back on a waiting list a mile long. You can't tell me that this all happens by chance.

I don't want to go back and loose my job again, however....could it be, it's the best thing that could of happened? How is it that something so good comes out of something so horrible? --and by horrible, I am referring not only to the job, but the divorce and everything else-- Amazing. It seriously is. And my job now, at the hospital... I love it! I love the people, I love the atmosphere, I just really enjoy my job. Sure I dislike working and would prefer to sit around and watch Angel all day, but this is second best. And quite honestly, at the end of my time at the radio station... I really did NOT love it, nor did I love the people.

My divorce.... uuugh.... a seriously hard and horrible thing. I'm not so sure I can say all things good came of that. I'm sure that my son doesn't feel that way, however... for me.... it was rough, but it's ok. I have to be honest, at this point when I'm told I'm not a good parent, it doesn't smart as much as it used to... simply because it's nice not having to live up to an impossible expectation. And it's hard to explain but it's so much easier to let that stuff roll off me now simply because I don't have the pressure to keep that person happy. And that in and of itself is a relief. I struggle with things regarding relationships and love... but it's ok. It's ok mostly because I don't have the time or the energy to deal with either right now, and also because it gives me time to think and get a clearer picture of the way I think it should be. And no one is going to tell me this time, that I have an unrealistic expectation.

So that's been the last year. It gets a little more hectic each and every month, but I'm just a little bit closer to that nursing goal. And believe me when it comes... when the goal is acheived...we are all going to have a huge ole party. And I expect ALL of you... my dedicated readers... to be there!!!! For now... I think I'm going to kick back and have some lemonade. :)