The Big D

Ok... I've been sitting on this for awhile, trying to decide to post it or not. Soooo I'll post it for now. I mean, since we're private an all. :)

So... it's been weighing on my mind. Why... why I can't put into words the reason for the divorce. And no... this is not going to be an all out deep post. But I can't figure it out. I talk, I talk a lot and yet I can't formulate WHY I know this is the right decision. Some have mentioned the fact that I may have been with someone who was an abuser of some sort. He had a temper. He liked things his way, he didn't value my opinion, and quite frankly, though I never wanted for anything he still treated me rather crappy. I just think that abuse or abuser, is such an unfair term to dish out. And I think it's one that gets tossed around to easily.

I mean by reprimanding my son, is that abuse? I don't know. There is a fine line where you have the right to express your opinion, and in the case of minors you need to train them and teach them... HEY DON"T TOUCH THAT IT'S HOT.... etc etc. However where does then line get crossed. Is it when you go from hey... I hate it when you drive to fast, to Hey... you're the suckiest driver ever? Is it possible to be very subtle in your abuse? Is it fair to lable someone an abuser, when really they're just incredibly bossy, and in need of much tact....

He used to criticize everything. People have told me he was controlling. I'm not sure. I'd go out with the gals and he'd call... often. Once he called the establishment just to make sure we were really there. Of course that was at the end. My mom asked the other day if he was ever complimentary, and I can say... not really. I been thinking. I really, really have. Trying to come up with a time when he was complimentary. Like if I made dinner... if I asked he'd say it was nice. But generally I'd say no... not complimentary. But not necessarily mean either.

It was apathy. I'm really not sure that I would want to put the label of abuser on him, but apathetic... sure. And maybe I don't want abuser because that would make me an abuse-e and I think I'm better than that. I think I'm smarter than that. And I refuse to believe I could fall prey to that. I'm not ready to deal with that. But here's what I do know...

Something wasn't right. I spent years and years knowing, but never vocalizing. When I did try to discuss it, I was always wrong. It was always me. I wasn't happy, I wasn't content, I wasn't being the good Christian and dealing with my situation, I wasn't grateful enough for his hard work, and I was ruining everything we had worked for. And even though I worked a full time job, it was somehow less. I was somehow less.

I want more. I want to be appreciated for what I do, and not made to feel as though it isn't enough. And while I may not have a bruise on my face, or am in debt up to my eyeballs because of an unhealthy habit it is still very painful. I have come to the realization that I am disposable... and that sucks. It sucks to know that the one person that was supposed to be the "love of your life" or whatever really just sees you as a disposable option. Like Power Locks... I"m NOT POWER LOCKS DAMMIT! :) I know that I am coming out of this sooo very different from when I went in. I have lost any confidence I used to have in myself. I mean I know I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people like me. But, I've lost the trust I had in myself to make decisions.

It all became very clear when I was buying paint. Yes paint... I knew that the guy hadn't mixed it properly. I wasn't happy, and yet the dude was like it's fine, it's yours, take it. And I did. Now normally I would of been like... Uhhhh excuuuuuse me!!!! I want a manager pronto. But I just smiled and said... Ooookaaaay. And off I went. And my boss even said, what was that all about, I thought you were mouthier than that. And he's right. I normally am. But not now, not at this point. I've even lost confidence in my friends. Part of me is still the same, like me or don't whatever, yet the other part is like what are people thinking, saying, etc etc.

I'm paranoid now. More than ever. If I don't have a friend that talks to me for 2 days, or I run into someone in town and they don't wave I start to freak out. They must be mad at me, they must hate me, they must know my situation... bla bla bla. It's ridiculous. And pathetic actually. Divorce makes you feel about 3 inches tall and that's no fun.


But I came to the realization the other day.... I have become a homebody. I stay home, I prefer to be home, and I like home. And I was ALWAYS getting yelled at for not being home before. But now, when I'm home. . . It's relaxing, comfortable, good. Before it was stressful, messy, and really.... really, stressfull. So that in and of itself makes me realize that yeah.... I am doing the right thing. Like it or not. I am.

So although I think I'm holding it together well. I must say this whole experience has definitely changed me. I don't know if it's for the better. I don't know if it's for the worse... it's just there. And I can't explain it, and I don't know if I ever will be able to.

A friend said to me last week -- he had just found out about my situation-- and he said "Why? What happened? You don't just wake up one day and say hey... divorce, NOW." It kinda took me off guard. It made me think. And maybe that's what lead to this post. So in answer to my why.... I'll just have to say.... because... it was the right thing to do, and that's that.