The Odd Things That Float Through My Brain

We've been studying health behavior models and such in school, and I've been taking a bit of inventory of my own self destructive behaviors. I know (From my small time at Northland) that pretty much any behavior is a symptom of a larger problem, and to solve any problem you need to get to the ROOT of that problem. (Thank you Mr Herron.... or was it Von.... meeeh) Actually, I'm trying to define if there is even a problem at all. lol.

I like to sit back and reflect on things. (Remember that whole, I'm a memory girl thing?) Lately I've been reflecting on my life in general. I've been trying to reflect (you know, in all that spare time I have) on what it takes to be a good mom, christian, and well.... overall person, not necessarily in that order.

I know I'm not perfect, no matter what I tell my sister. And I know that I have area's I need to improve on, but getting there is an issue. I'm not sure why that is. Heck, I'm not even sure why one engages in self-destructive behavior to begin with. Do you think it's just an innate part of us, we can't help but have some form of self destruction? I suppose in some people it could be a lack of self esteem, maybe even a way of acting out and seeking attention.

I don't know. What I do know is that I did tell my grandma once that I wanted to be dead inside. Not dead literally, but dead inside would be good. lol. That was in one of my darker periods, but it is what I felt at the time.

For me, I think, it's an escape from reality. Now, wait a minute.... let's not go jumping to conclusions.!!!! I'm not taking hallucinogenics, nor am I an alcoholic. (though if we're talking caffeine addictions, I plead the fifth) I'm just saying there are times that I would much prefer to deny my reality, then to accept it. lol. (ie... denying the fact that the bank account says I shouldn't buy any more polka dot shoes!) Now... I'm not sure if this denial is a problem, if it's a fight of flight thing, or if it's not a self destructive behavior at all, but perhaps more of a self preservation behavior.

I don't know, most likely I'm either crazy, or have way to much time on my hands to mull things over. I guess the point here is, though I may not talk about it, and I may come across as quite jovial most of the time... these are the things that run through my brain, and I just thought I'd share. Well... that... and I hadn't posted an introspective post in a while, so here ya go! lol.