Introspective....

I am happy. I am. And it feels sooooooooo good. I never really realized how much of me I lost over the past ten years. I am reconnecting with friends that I lost touch with over the years, and they're helping me find myself again. (They may not know this, but they are) I am discovering new friends, and rediscovering myself. (hang on... I need a moment to giggle, cuz that just sounds dirty) I feel like a weight has been lifted.

I convinced myself that the things I wanted, or liked to do weren't as important as things that needed to get done. I'm not sure where it was that I lost myself, or how it happened. It just did, and in doing so, I lost touch with the people who kept me, being me. I think that's why the ex made specific comments regarding different friends. He didn't like this one because they were rude, he didn't like that one because they were annoying. etc, etc. I'm beginning to realize that it wasn't so much about them, as it was about me. (and as we now know... it is ALWAYS about me, correct?) He didn't like the me that came out when I was with my friends. Which is rather ironic considering that the me that is with my friends, is in fact the real me.

It's been a long, weird road... this life of mine. But I wouldn't trade it. I learned some valuable lessons over the last ten years. Could it of worked... the marriage... perhaps. Am I sad it didn't work... yeah... if for no other reason, then for my son. He loves his parents and he wants them to be together and every time he asks me to marry his dad I think a little part of me dies. But I want more for him. I want him to see a relationship between two happy, and relationally healthy people. I want him to know that it is possible to find someone who loves you, and not just the you they want, but all of you. (ok, so that has yet to be proven, but I refuse to let go of the thought that it's out there. Cuz dammit, I think it is, and my whole post hinges on that fact!) LOL.

The point of this story is... I have found myself again, and I missed me. My sister didn't, but I did. LOL. She told me the other day... "I know when I sat you down and had that talk with you about how everyone missed you and everyone could tell that you were depressed, I know I said that we wanted the old you back. The fun you. The you that we all missed." So I replied "yeahh....." Then she said... "Well... perhaps I spoke a little too soon. I remember now that when you're yourself, you're kinda annoying." She was joking.... sort of... at least that's what I tell myself.

I missed my friends too. I missed the way they made me feel, the way they kept me grounded, and they way they kept me accountable. I honestly and completely feel so blessed by the people that are in my life. I am so lucky because I have somehow managed to meet the most amazing and wonderful people on the planet. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have these people in my life. Each and every one of them.

Even my sister.