A Break From Reality?

I think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I started crying at work today. Those of you who don't get up very early, just can't fully understand HOW MUCH drama one can squeeze into a day... before 10am!!! LOL. Anyway there I sat, doing a break with my co-host, and he started talking about this Marriage conference on Mackinaw Island. One that I had attended, and one that is coincidentally taking place on what would be my anniversary. And apparently my brain didn't like that to much because I started bawling. --of course being the professional I am the listener never knew-- but I'm sitting there laughing and talking about registering to win the trip to the conference, and tears are POURING down my face. Seriously.... only psycho people can do that. I think I'm psycho.

I was pretty sure that I was going to have a severe break from reality today. Of course this is the day the board members are deciding someones fate. Tension was thick, and I hate tension. I have been missing some of my friends more than I care to admit, and between that, the job, and this stupid conference thing I thing I lost it.

How embarrassing... especially for my poor co-hort, can you imagine sitting across from a blubbering idiot, who just up an starts crying.... sheeesh.

I was chatting with the voices in my head the other day, working out this stupid divorce, feelings, kinda running over this whole to have a reason or don't thing. (That goes back to my "The Big D" post) When I said something very profound to myself, and then I decided... ya know what... THAT is my reason. Well, not technically but it made me feel better. I realized last night that my husband who was a journalist NEVER wrote me a love note--once we were married---. Did ya catch that.... he was a freaking WRITER! He used to write them when we were dating, so I know he's capable. Now mind you, when it got bad.... really bad... I sat there crying (Wow... this is a theme of my life isn't it? LOL) and I begged him, I said... you have to do SOMETHING anything to show me that you care about me. I'm like ya know... the neighbor guy is a mechanic with a high school education who is a redneck through and through, but he manages to leave his wife a love note every now and again. I'm like if he can do it anyone can. Doesn't have to be big... just something that tells me ya love me. Or... maybe.... draw a heart on the bathroom mirror for me, with NO WORDS... that's not hard... ok, forgo that, and be practical do the dishes, or something. And... it never happened. I think the opposite of love is apathy, and that is enough of a reason.... in my book anyway.

Anywho... I got my papers in the mail yesterday and read them through, and I think that's why I had my little breakdown today, because this is all becoming reality. Not that it wasn't before, but it is... and it's getting closer... and there's a lot of crap that goes with that. I'm officially going to be alone, and solely responsible for the well being, and well adjustment of this 4yr old and that's a little stressful.

Anywho... I say all this to say, I had a breakdown at work, just out of the blue today, so I feel like a complete dunbass-- my new word-- and I just felt you should know, so that if you see me running through town with my hair unkempt... wearing tattered clothing, and swigging a 5th of Vodka... digging through the garbage well... you know... it's just me. Give me a prozac and I'll be fine. LOL.

Oh wait... that was me TODAY! LOL. I took a 2hr nap and I think I feel better now. I'm like an infant... if I don't get my sleep, and get fed every 2hrs I'll have a melt down.

Ohhh look at the clock, time for my feeding!

:)