Death Sucks

I went to an internment today, and it was interesting. I've never been to one, before, and to make matters even more awkward it was for my ex-mother-in-law, who has been gone for 2 years. Ok, not quite 2 years.

This was my first time seeing the extended family of my former spouse, and that was.... strange. It's not a secret that the one sister-in-law feels that anyone who divorces any of the brothers should be ex-communicated from the family, never again to be seen. The other sister-in-law and I about came to blows 2.5 years ago, at a dinner table. We didn't... but I wanted to. I could feel myself lunging across the table at her, though... I didn't. It was like an alternate universe, I saw it, I wanted it.... but instead... I just slammed a plate down. And frankly... that says a lot right there if you know me, because I am a rather calm person, who can put up with LARGE piles of crap. Her crap.... really rubs me the wrong way though, and it did at that time. The funny part was.... I'm not sure I've ever slammed anything, down, around or shut in my life until that point. Aaaaaahhhh.... the aggressive me. It comes out every once in a while.

Back to the internment. I stood there watching them empty an urn of ashes into the ground, under a tree, that everyone kept saying she would love, yet my mother-in-law never saw. It was my understanding that she wanted to hang out in an urn until her husband passed away at which time they would both be scattered in a place very special to the two of them. It's about an hour and a half due east. However, her husband has since remarried, so it was time to put her to rest. (Hey, if I was the new wife, I'm not so sure I'd want the dead wife watching me from the urn on the coffee table either)

But as I stood there and watched two things struck me... ok... three.... #1 Here is her husband, crying on the shoulders of his new wife, missing the old wife. Strange.... just.... really.... strange. #2 yes it's a goodbye to someone we loved, but... it's been 2 years. I was just surprised at the amount of tears. #3 She is missed.

Which got me thinking.

#1 Should I die, and I am married at the time, and my husband manages to show up at my funeral on the arm of another woman... I think I'll kill him. I will literally shoot a dagger into his heart from my coffin, and I will drag him by his tie (and yes, he'd best have on a TIE at my funeral) into the coffin, and down into the earth with me. Where he will from henceforth and forevermore be forced to listen to me and my incessant rambling about whatever it is I choose to ramble about in regards to him, women, and my funeral.

#2 Someone had better be throwing themselves over my grave and wailing in grief when I go.

#3 I want to be missed.

I think that's when it hit me. Standing there, with my former in-laws, looking at these family dynamics that I will always be some part of. Standing next to my ex. It hit me... my problem. THAT is my problem, THAT was my problem with this whole marriage, this whole divorce this whole freakin thing. Missed.... I was never missed. Funnier than that, I was never seen. I spent 8yrs married to a man who never even saw me. He saw me when he wanted dinner, he saw me when he wanted a clean house, or when I did something wrong, but he didn't see me, and he most certainly doesn't miss me.

I don't think you fill out eharmony profiles 1 week after someone moves out, if you miss them, I could be wrong....

But I digress...

I want to be missed. Not in a hey... she made a killer taco dip, kind of a way. (Though if this weekend is any indicator... apparently my taco dip will be missed) but in a she contributed sort of a way. When I die I want people to say that I made things better, I made them happy, I made them laugh. I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to feel a void when I'm gone, and it'd be great if someone... someone.... actually cried 2 years later just cuz I was gone. Hell, I'll say it... it'd be great if someone cried 10 years later cuz I was gone.

Perhaps that's selfish, or wrong of me to say that, but come on... everyone thinks it. Some people say, it doesn't matter, I'll be dead, or whatever, but face it, you want it too. We all do. We all want to be missed, we all want to be loved, and we're all stuck roaming around trying to find our little niche` where we fit, and we will be missed, loved, etc.

And back to the significant other thing... I mean while I'm at it and all.... it would be great, it would be really great if before I die I meet someone who just... can not walk away. Which may sound pathetic... but pathedic-ness is not the point. It's romantic. Think... John, loverboy, Cusak and that boom box. Think Allie, in the Notebook.... yeah... that....

Weird... therapy, and self help at my former mother-in-laws funeral.