Home Videos

My son turned 5 Sunday. **Sigh** It's such a cliche` but it's so true, the time has completely flown by! It seems like just yesterday I brought him home from the hospital. So I sat down today and decided to pop in some of the videos from back in the day.

There was me, getting a blood transfusion, (bad memory) and me with my little man (good memory). I don't know if it counts as a small piece of history, but I do have my nurse hugging me before she went outside crossed the picket line and went on strike. Maybe I can sell that footage. LOL.

I've stated before that I'm a memory girl, and well... that's why on my sons birthday I pull out the home videos. That's why on my anniversary (or what was my anniversary) I would always make my husband sit down and watch our wedding video. Ok... I would watch it and he would say he didn't have to watch it cuz he lived through it. Then he'd go play his video game, or read his gun magazine. Whatever. The point is I watched videos and I was transported back in time.

And I cried. Mostly because I'm a pathetic sap. Partly because of the time that has passed, and the changes in my life. The hopes and dreams, and plans that are pretty much kaput. lol. I sat there and listened to myself on the video and I looked at the date and thought... my gosh who'd have known that two years from then I'd be sitting in the hotties's house watching this tape. (That's the dude who lived here before me, -- the hottie-- unfortunately he doesn't live here anymore. It'd be nice to have that eye candy around. Heck... it'd be nice to have him chip in on rent! lol But alas... he went and got married. **Sigh** lol)

I was chatting with my girlfriend tonight, and I was talking about November and how everything important to me happens in November. (My birthday, the boys birthday, time with family, etc etc) November is wrought with milestones for me. I was telling her, I want to just forget them. Forget all the stuff that is going on and the milestones that are approaching, but the closer they get the more depressed I get. So she told me to look at it this way.... Last year at this time if you would of asked me how my life would of turned out I would of told you that I was in counseling, we were working things out, and things were looking up. This year at this time (right now, today) I would say... I have no job, I have no life, I have no money, and my life pretty much sucks. LOL. Ok my life doesn't totally suck. I have my son, and some great friends. But overall the picture is rather bleak. And she said look how much can change in a year. By this time next year, you may be in love, and closing in on the first of your degrees and things will be looking up. Just be patient.

I explained that most of the time I'm on auto pilot. I like it that way. As long as I keep myself occupied I don't have to think about the things that depress me. So I get up get the boy off to school, go to school myself, work on homework, run errands... etc etc. Maybe that's why I'm getting decent grades. LOL If I concentrate on something other than this crazy reality called my life, then I'm good. But the minute I stop, and sit and listen to the silence around me... and reminisce about all the things that were once good..... well then... I start to loose it.

Then she told me

I don't know why this has happened to you. All this stuff, at once. It's bad enough to get a divorce. It's bad enough to loose a job. Heck it's bad enough to go back to school. But for some reason all this stuff happened to you at once. And she said... All I can say is that I feel in my gut that God is preparing you for something big. Not like you're going to be a millionaire, or something crazy like that. But something big in your life. Be it this new carreer you're pursing, or a new love, or just your new life. But it's going to be something huge, to you. Maybe not this year, maybe not next. But I can't explain it to you, I just KNOW that things are going to be great for you, and someday you're going to look back and think... THANK GOD I went through all that. Thank God I'm not working at the radio station, and thank God that I went through all this because it made me better and my life is so much more than what it ever was. She told me you just have to trust God. He has a plan, and He has your best interest at heart. You just have to be patient and let him do his thing. Obviously you have a few lessons to learn and you need to get through them to make you stronger, and better. But He does have a plan.

I said

I hope so. I doubt it... but I hope so.