Compliments

Compliments unnerve me. They make me uncomfortable. I don't do things because I want people to say "You did this well" or "You go girl" ok... well I DO want people to compliment me on my shoes, and my cute new shirt. But my actions... that's just a little foreign to me. So when it happens it throws me a little. BUT I got a compliment today!!!

At least I think it was a compliment, it made me cry like a baby for about 2 minutes, but my co-worker came to visit last night and she said today that she left and felt like I was Ok. She said "you're not letting yourself drown in the mud." Now you have to know... she comes up with some weird ones, this girl. (at one point she was talking about me drowning in vegtable soup... yeah... she lost me there too, but I'm sure it was a compliment) But she said that she saw my house, the life I've managed to eek out in the last few months, the support system I've thrown together (ie, communal living) the way I've gotten Russell involved in church, etc etc. And she said she feels better for me. She said it puts her mind at ease because she knows I'll be ok. And I will be ok.

Ya know, I've thought about this a lot. And I don't know how I feel about it. It just seems things have gone rather smoothly overall through this whole divorce thing. And while I would never wish it on anyone. I would never WANT this to happen. My preference would be to fix things, but that's not going to happen. And my point here is I've always thought that when things go smoothly it's just another confirmation from God that it's ok. --I'm NOT saying that God is ok with my divorce-- I don't think anyone will EVER convince me of that. EVER. I don't for one minute think He's happy with this. I think that I have missed something, that I forgot to look under that one final rock to find the magic potion to fix this marriage... And I think that God is disappointed and not approving... of MY situation. I think HE thinks I should of done more... mostly because I think that I should of done more... Understand? But then we can get into the whole... at what point do you just say enough thing... but I digress. Anyway....

At the same time, things have went so smoothly. My house... for the most part... my job, which I was CERTAIN I would loose and didn't, the whole agreement... everything. I mean there were emotions, there were hard things, and there were horrible dark periods. There still are. But it's getting better, and I'm going to be ok. I would like to say Thank you to God for blessing me with a mind to rhyme, and two hype feet... Oh wait... sorry... it was getting heavy there... anyway I want to say thanks for all this stuff, the support, the house, the way things have transpired but I'm sure it's not Him. I don't know. Do you think God would still be nice to a person, even if they were.... a screwed up ball of dysfunction such as myself? yeah... you're right... probably not. You see if you have God... then you have Satan... and as I'm told Satan walks about seeking whom he may devour. So is Satan making my life appear to be smooth so that I continue to do that which I'm not supposed to? uuugggh... Seriously... I wish I were Catholic so I could get this dang thing Annulled.... and then I could just pretend it never happened... **sigh**

Anyway, this could go real deep real quick but I'll just keep it at... I expected a lot of judgement. I expected a LOT of people to hate me. I expected to loose my job, to be living in a dump, to have my son develop sudden anger management issues... and what I've received is... Happiness. Contentment. Knowledge... knowledge in that I've learned who my real friends are, and who I shouldn't really care about. I've learned that the people at work understand. And I've learned that my family, saw a lot more than I ever let on. (apparently acting is not my forte`) I've learned that I am NOT the worst mother in the world, and I am NOT a bad person. Sure I'm not Mother Teresa... she's dead... and the whole head hobbit thing would soooo not work for me... but I'm ok. I am... freakin... ok.

And most importantly I've learned that I feel sooooo much more.... at ease. Even when it's dark, and I'm missing the life I THOUGHT I would live, and I THOUGHT I would have, or when someone is reaming me about what a horrible mother or wife or family person they think I am... I still feel... ok. I"m starting to trust myself again. I'm starting to feel like a human again. I'm starting to laugh more often and heartily again. And I think that if this were NOT the right thing for me to do. I wouldn't be this ok. I almost feel guilty that I AM this ok. It's that never ending cycle of guilt... Darn that cycle!!! It follows me everywhere! :)

And I'm starting to learn that maybe it wasn't ALL my fault. I mean you can work, and work, and work to make someone happy but in the end it's only their self that is responsible for their happiness, and only they can make their self truly happy. I know that my recent postings may sound that I think I'm an innocent bystander here, but I know... I know I'm not easy to live with, I can be ornery and crabby, and I can be difficult. I don't want to minimize my role in anyway... but when people who I never expect to be nice to me are in fact STILL nice to me, or friends who have stuck by me when I expected them look down on me and trash talk me, and they are still here, and still my friend, AND still manage to come up with something NICE to say about me, or the life I now live... well ... it makes me cry...

DAMMIT!!!! I was up to 17days!!!