Frankie Says Relax!

Goals. I hate them. I never set them. I don’t see any reason too. I don’t plan my life out in 5 and 10 year increments. I don’t see a reason too. No matter what you plan, life has various ways of throwing you a curve every now and again. You plan to stay married forever, but one day your spouse doesn’t come home and…. you’re plan is uprooted. You plan for retirement only to have your company involved in dishonest practices and your retirement shot to hell.

My motto in life is, and always has been cope and deal. You cope with what life throws at you and you deal with it. (Ok it was either that or suck up and drive on. I vacillate between the two) Anyway what brings on this healthy dose of cynicism is the fact that yesterday at work we had a planning and vision-eering dude come in and try to… I don’t know help us catch a vision.

I think these things area huge load of crap. Ok so we all sit around and talk about our thoughts and dreams for our company and, try to lay out a vision. WHATEVER. First off, my job is just that a job. And while it is based in ministry, and I realize that, in the end it is just that, a job. I don’t go home at night and obsess about where the company will be in 5yrs or 10yrs. I don’t obsess about if we’re doing things correctly. Secondly, does anyone REALLY care what I have to say… not so much. Quite frankly when I walk through the doors to the outside world I am no longer the velvet voice of the north, I am an overweight, super tired, trying to figure out what to make for dinner, mother of a four year old. I’m running to the grocery store, playing with transformers, and trying to figure out when and what our next adventure will be. I am the soon to be divorce` trying to deal with an ex and come out of this whole situation with a little bit of grace, dignity, and wisdom. There’s a lesson here that needs to be learned, and I hope I am getting it.

This is not to say I don’t like my job. The gentleman yesterday was like “how do you feel” and “What do you see happening” and “What would you change” and my answer is/was this. I am just a girl, a girl who goes to work. I have a job to do and I do it. I do it to the best of my ability, and if I’m lucky I’ll get to show Christ to someone who would least expect it and/or someone who in that moment really needs to see Christ. I don’t like to pontificate about my life, or my spiritual walk, or what my hopes for the future are because a) as previously stated, I am a big ole ball of dysfunction who I feel has no right to tell someone what is spiritually correct or incorrect. Heck I don’t even know. And b) my hopes and dreams are ever changing.

I think the best that any of us can do is be the best ME that we can be. My general overall outlook in life (or hope for my life is)
that I am the best mother that I can be
that my son knows he is loved beyond measure
that my son comes to know Christ
In everyday life the plan is to pay my bills, stay out of trouble, and cope and deal with the rest of life without going insane. I’d like to someday have a cabin in tourist land to the north. I’d like to someday go to Hawaii, Someday I’d like to actually finish my degree. But I’m not going to beat myself up if they don’t happen. I have bigger fish to fry. Starting with an active 4yr old who demands my attention.

This is not to say I’m against goals. I suppose writing out a 10yr plan is good for some people. I mean I am a planner. When I get an idea of something that I’d like to accomplish, or something that needs to be done… I look at it, and figure out what needs to be done and do it. I want to be out of debt…. So I need to pay off a credit card… ok… 4 payments of x amount of dollars will do that… problem one solved. I’m not going to write this into a 5yr plan people.

I think that we all need to stop and smell the roses. I think it would be beneficial to all. Because quite frankly while you’re giving your all to your job, your goals, your retirement, life is passing you by. It’s passing you by and you’re never going to get it back. You’re going to be 70 and ready to spend time with your spouse, only to find out that, said spouse left you 15yrs ago and you barely noticed. You’re going to be ready to build that cabin, or buy that sports car only to find out that your retirement is shot and your eyes are so bad you can’t drive to save your own life.

I’m not saying don’t plan, and don’t be responsible. Those are good things. But what I hope you get from this is that life is short, and while I want to do the best I can with the time I have on this earth, I want to keep my nose clean, and live a good life. What I most want when my life is over is to a) be missed. I’m sorry but I want a void to be there. I want people to miss me and my life. I want to leave an impression of goofy happiness that hopefully people will catch, and understand. I want people to understand that if you can’t laugh about it you’re just going to become old and bitter and quite frankly bitterness gives you zits. And b) I want people to say… ya know what, she was a ball of dysfunction, but she was real. She was real about her shortcomings and she was real about her faith. And if nothing else… maybe just maybe I’ll make a difference to someone.

And if I don’t… I’m not going to sweat it.